Ahead of the Game: Grand-Slam Sunday

AHEAD OF THE GAME

Alpha mail. The only truly useful football e-mail

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Friday, December 14, 2007. 1600 GMT
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The news in 60 seconds

GRAND-SLAM SUNDAY
It tells you how much Grand-Slam Sunday is being hyped that The Bearded One has had to deny that Liverpool's match with Manchester United is a title decider - even though his team are fourth, seven points off the top. "Playing for the title in April would be more important than this match," the Liverpool manager said. Which is true.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/article3052760.ece

FERGUSON'S UNLIKELY SUPPORT
There is obviously some subtle mind game here that AOTG has missed, but Sir Alex Ferguson has praised Rafa Benitez before Sunday's match. He says it is ridiculous that his Liverpool counterpart should be under pressure after all that he has achieved. "I don't know where criticism starts or how it starts in our game. But with Rafa's record, it will be disappointing for him," he said.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/article3052864.ece

WENGER COOLS COLE FIRE
Arsene Wenger, the Arsenal manager, wants fans to concentrate on football and not the return of Cashley Cole. "What is over is over and you have to take a distance with that," Wenger said before the match with Chelsea. "He has been educated here, he has done well for us and overall we want him to get a fair reception." Obviously, there's more chance of Wenger picking an all-English XI, but it's nice that he said it.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/arsenal/

PREMIER LEAGUE TEAM NEWS
You wouldn't realise it, but there are actually eight Premier League matches taking place tomorrow. Johan Djourou is a doubt for Birmingham City, Derby County have almost a full squad, Claudio Cacapa is poised to return for Newcastle and Elano is back for Manchester City. All the team news.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/article3045838.ece

ERIKSSON'S ANELKA WARNING
Sven-Goran Eriksson has been lavishing compliments on Nicolas Anelka like only the legendary smoothie can. The Manchester City manager is worried that the Bolton Wanderers striker could ruin his team's unbeaten home record tomorrow. "Anelka is everything you could wish for from a striker, he is a fantastic player," Eriksson said. Expect a bid in January. http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/manchester_city/article3052570.ece

BIG SAM ON 'SELF-PROMOTING'
Who would have thought that Sam Allardyce, of all people, would not know the meaning of the phrase "self-promoting"? The Newcastle United manager has got his words in a muddle, but we think he wants the FA to promote managers from within the English game rather than bring in guys who don't even speak the language.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/newcastle/article3052548.ece

CAPELLO IS TOUGH FELLOW
Don Fabio is playing hardball with the FA as he refuses to sign on the dotted line until he has been given assurances over his backroom staff. It's unlikely to be a deal-breaker, though, because Brian Barwick is impressed by his stance, having grown tired of Steve McClaren's impersonation of a nodding dog.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/article3048641.ece

NO SNIFF OF A SCANDAL
Bad news for WAGS, prima donnas and journalists alike. Capello is as boring off the pitch as his teams are on it. Good news, though, for winners. According to Corriere dello Sport "he has one particular quality - he may be rarely liked, but he always wins."
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/article3048583.ece

THE NUMBERS GAME
Did you know Fabio Capello will become the oldest England manager, that he has won more league titles than any of his predecessors or that he has only ever managed one English player? A statistician's take on the new head coach.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/article3048614.ece

BLATTER BLATHER
If Gordon Brown hadn't arrived four hours late to sign that treaty in Lisbon, he might have been able to tell us something about this story - instead we'll have to take Sepp Blatter's word for it. He says the new EU treaty could open the way for quotas on foreign players. "They discussed the specificity of sport and its statutes are guaranteed," the Fifa president said. The Prime Minister was too busy to get back to us and we weren't interested in what David Miliband had to say. Like the rest of Europe.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/article3052311.ece

COVENTRY AVOID ADMINISTRATION
Coventry City should avoid the threat of administration after Ray Ranson's bid for the club was accepted. The takeover is subject to the acceptance of 90 per cent of all shareholders, but major holders Craigavon and Sir Derek Higgs - who own 71.4 per cent - have already agreed to the offer. 
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/football_league/article3051090.ece

BANGURA'S PLEA
Al Bangura, the Watford midfielder who is facing deportation, has pleaded with the Government to overturn its decision to reject his application for leave of stay. "I am praying every night that the Home Secretary will review this and allow me to stay because inside of me, I know I'm supposed to be here," Bangura said.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/football_league/article3052484.ece

HUTCHINGS WANTS BACK
Form an orderly queue. Chris Hutchings has announced that he is "ready and willing" to return to management. The former Wigan Athletic manager has spent his time out of the game working on his golf swing and contemplating where it all went wrong.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/article3052398.ece

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>>>>>FANTASY FOOTBALL WITH BRAINS<<<<<
* Register today for PlayTheGame - and take it one match at a time
* It's free and you can still enter
* Win monthly prizes and tickets to the Euro 2008 final
* http://www.timesonline.co.uk/playthegame
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If you've got another couple of minutes

IT'S PARTY TIME!!
AOTG knows where it stands in the journalistic pecking order - somewhere between Ceefax and Shoot! - so when it got its hands on an invite to The Times' Christmas party, it put on its best corduroy trousers and a nice warm jumper before letting itself in through the kitchen, sneaking a handful of mince pies into a napkin and taking its place behind the Christmas tree, where it stood shuffling its feet anxiously for 20 minutes before making an early escape. A bit like Andriy Shevchenko at the Chelsea fancy dress party, apparently.
Because while everyone else raided the fancy dress shop, the forward turned up dressed in a thick jumper that looks distinctly like the one AOTG took down to the charity shop on Boxing Day last year. You might say he is used to pulling the wool over people's eyes (ahem), but at least he didn't try to come as a world-class footballer.
Instead he left that kind of narcissistic statement to the England flops. John Terry and Thin-Skinned Frank - the ever humble world-class stars - turned up to the bash dressed as Mr Incredible and Prince Charming respectively. We'll give them the benefit of assuming that the emperor's new clothes didn't fit.
Anyway, after the fairytale ending to the Euro 2008 qualification - you remember it: once upon a time we were considered a serious threat in world football, now we're not and Croatia and Russia lived happily ever after - AOTG thinks they would have shown some humility.
So with Christmas party season in full flow, we're going to save other Premier League players the embarrassment of such an overblown, hubristic fashion blunder and come up with some alternative costumes.
Of the Chelsea boys, Didier Drogba can come as a ballerina for Swan Lake, that seasonal favourite. Ashley Cole, Shaun Wright-Phillips, Joe Cole and Claude Makelele can come as four of the seven dwarfs, because they're short and we're not very imaginative.
Rio Ferdinand can come as Dopey, because he is. Michael Owen can come as Jack, with Peter Crouch as the beanstalk. Goldenballs can come as King Midas. And Fabio Capello? He can be the Fairy Godmother, complete with Tutu, waving his magic wand and turning a load of pumpkins into a golden carriage to take us all to the World Cup finals. It is a fairytale, after all.
Got any better ideas? sport@timesonline.co.uk

A NICE TURN OF PHRASE
AOTG is branching out. Producing your afternoon / evening e-mail is fun, but it's hardly going to pay the bill for those Led Zeppelin tickets, let alone the bar tab after our (failed and shameful) attempts to ingratiate ourselves with senior staff at aforementioned work-do. Which is why, with your help, we're moving into the lucrative world of phrasebooks. Like Jamie Redknapp when he started that bi-monthly magazine for footballers - what was it called? ICON? A CON? - we're going to aim it specifically at footballers and anyone else with more money than sense.
You've already given us a head start after you responded to our request for suitable football phraseology for Don Fabio. Judging by your responses, our new publication should cover every eventuality - contract negotiations, dealing with pumice-faced Premier League managers, Michael Owen's next injury and players with the first touch of a trampoline. Unlike ICON, we hope it may be of use.
As is the custom, we've included the best of your ideas at the bottom of this e-mail (before ripping them off for our lucrative spin-off at a later date).

YOU CAN'T DO WORSE THAN McCLAREN...
It's not just the English language that poor Fabio doesn't know. The Italian is also unfamiliar with all those high-class players operating in the Premier League. That's why Times Online has kindly offered to help pick his first England team. Think Webbsfleet ISDN, but without the £35 up front. Our online poll includes all the brightest talents in the national game (and Wayne Bridge). All you have to do is pick the players you think should constitute the first team.

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>>>>>THE BROADSHEET SCANDAL<<<<<
Mystery over Sunday league game and £2m man from Pru's broken nose - The Daily Telegraph
What you need to know: 1) The head of the Prudential insurance company suffered a broken nose after allegedly being punched and butted during a Sunday league football match. 2) Mark Tucker, who was paid £2 million last year, was reportedly punched in the face. After the assailant was sent off, he came back on to the field and butted the executive. The game was then abandoned. 3) We don't know whether the (alleged) attacker had his pension with the Pru, or even whether he knew that Tucker was a Chelsea season ticket-holder. We do know that the executive returned to work the next day, safe in the knowledge that he would get a decent payout on his policy.
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A quickie before you go, sir?

FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT
With Arsenal squaring up to Chelsea on Sunday, it's only right that we dust off some highlights from last season's Carling Cup final. Not the football of course, but the handbags at the end. Kolo Toure and John Obi Mikel push and shove like they are fighting over their pencil cases, Frank Lampard shows he is smart by picking on the smallest man on the pitch, while Emmanuel Adebayor tries to fight the fourth official, Didier Drogba, Cesc Fabregas and even poor old Gary Lewin. What chance of more of the same on Sunday?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VA9CQVUOXNA

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10
Matches since Arsenal last beat Chelsea.
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In TheGame

The drugs don't work, they just make things worse. Or at least that's what we're told to think about football. But Tom Dart says we are naïve if we believe drugs are used only by baseballers, tennis players and athletes. "We'd all rather marvel at the speed, strength and skill of top players than ask searching questions about whether our sporting heroes are as bent as a Roberto Carlos free kick."
http://timesonline.typepad.com/thegame/2007/12/time-to-inject.html
Walter Gammie , our non-League expert, on how the future looks bright for Lowestoft Town after a financial crisis that left them on the brink.
http://timesonline.typepad.com/thegame/2007/12/lowestoft-learn.html
Struggling to get back to top form after an injury layoff? Tony Cascarino , The Times agony uncle, has been there, worn the crutches and bought the knee brace. Whether you are being bullied by Bertie Big Time or struggling to hack it as a hack, he can put you on the right track.
http://timesonline.typepad.com/thegame/2007/12/bullies-becomin.html
Kandinsky, Obscenities and lots of ZZZZZs. The definitive, A to Z guide to Don Fabio , compiled by our very own Mr Dart.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/article3042876.ece?EMC-Bltn=2LGOK4

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>>>>>THE RIVALS<<<<<
* It has to be STU... - The Sun
* THE ITALIAN MOB: Fabio wins battle for backroom pals - Daily Mirror
* The Italian mob ... and can you possibly find room for an Englishman? - The Daily Telegraph
* Board disquiet stalls Capello's coronation - The Guardian
* THE RIGHT CHOICE - The Independent
* TEAM FABIO: It's a done deal as Capello gets way on backroom staff - Daily Express
* Italian mob: FA land Capello but have to take on his entire coaching staff - Daily Mail
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Joe Bloggs' Soapbox

Here are the best of your suggestions of English phrases that Don Fabio should learn.

As long as you say the kid is good enough to play for England, Arsene, I don't really need to see him play.
I know this is a little forward since we work in the same office, but what are you doing tonight?
In my country, it's customary to get a contract extension a few years in advance.
George Hasenecz seems to suspect that history is repeating itself. Hopefully without the dreary results, though.

Gerrard and Lampard are both world-class players, there's no reason why they can't play together.
Unfortunately Michael Owen is injured.
Crouch? He's got great touch for a big lad.
See you all after Euro 2008.
Joe Cole's got two great feet, he's perfect for the left wing.
There is precious little for Motty to say after Amar Purohit 's inspired efforts.

"Practise kicking the ball"... on Paul Robinson's blunder during a Croatia match
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dmws59X1cNg&feature=related
Even media mogul Redknapp didn't think about incorporating multimedia packages into his publishing venture, unlike Meileen Uy from Philippines. AOTG could even branch into coaching seminars at this rate.

At the end of the day
A game of two halves
I didn't see it
We'll take one game at a time
I'm not in it for the money
We deserved to win/draw
It was an unfortunate bobble
Technically inferior
Rotation
Starting with a clean slate
Diane Slater-Llangollen is on the ball, giving 110 per cent - and expecting the worst.

There is no shame in losing to a side as good as Scotland [assuming home internationals were to be resumed next summer. Insert Wales etc as appropriate].
Cliff from Bournemouth with another good reason not to revive home internationals.

At the end of the day, it´s all about tomorrow, so we have to not look back on tonight´s result as a failure, but rather as an indication of the tremendous progress we can look forward to in achieving success down the road.
Tim Bene should get a job as a press officer. Or Steve McClaren's speech writer.

And the rest...

I am against having a foreign manager of the England team. It may well be so that available/interested English candidates are not up to it - but you can't decide to play Petr Cech in goal just because English goalkeepers are rubbish.
We have some bad news for Richard Stacey. The intellectual position you have just chosen to occupy is shared by Gareth Southgate, Paul Ince and AOTG. Not exactly a meeting of great minds.

Who cares if the national team don't play with flair and win? It will make a change from not playing with flair and losing.
Steven Ives is making the dangerous, oft-repreated and frequently mistaken assumption that we will now win - although we take the point that it's not exactly like coaching Real Madrid.

Apparently the new guy [Don Fabio] is filled with passion for the game. He has no problem taking people on and quite often lights up the touch line with a hissy fit; I love it. Skills, strategies, tactics and whatever else that's different in the European approach to the game, are all things we can mimic. Injecting these learnings into the English game with a red hot syringe may just be the answer to our woes... I hope.
We like Matt 's idea but could we swap the syringe for a poker instead?

Send your mail to: sport@timesonline.co.uk

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Tomorrow's news today

- End in sight for Capello talks
- Giles Smith on some hasty redecorations at Soho Square
- All the build-up to Grand-Slam Sunday, including stats, Alyson Rudd and Oliver Kay

And expect...

Capello to be pictured in a tutu, waving that magic wand. Again.

You can't spread the word at the moment, so it's not like pyramid selling at all. We're updating our registration system so no one else can sign up for a couple of weeks at least. Consider yourselves members of an exclusive club.

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Anonymous tips, suggestions, funnies, fan mail and complaints: sport@timesonline.co.uk
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