AHEAD OF THE GAME
Alpha mail. The only truly useful football e-mail
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Thursday, November 15, 2007. 1600 GMT
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The news in 60 seconds
FRANK CARSON
Scott Carson is breathing down the neck of Paul Robinson harder than a braying shire horse. "To be the England No 1, that is the target," Carson, who is expected to start in the friendly against Austria on Friday, said. "There is no point in me sitting around settling for what I've got."
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/aston_villa/article2877432.ece
GERRARD A QUOTA VOTER
Steven Gerrard has called for quotas on foreign players. "Something has got to happen otherwise there will be more and more foreigners and they will take over," he said, closing the barn door behind him ten years after the horse was taken to the knackers yard. Anyway, it may sound like he's gone a bit Enoch Powell, but unlike Gerry Sutcliffe, the opportunist Minister for Sport, Stevie seems to know what he's talking about.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/euro_2008/article2872608.ece
WORTHLESS LOYALTY CARDS
Martin Samuel has noticed a very odd coincidence: it's always the players who are getting picked who want to back the manager. Gerrard and Michael Owen have been playing the loyalty card, but our Chief Football Correspondent wants a more sober analysis.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/euro_2008/article2872461.ece
STRAPPING JOCKS
Graham Spiers says Alex Salmond, Scotland's First Minister, could not look more satisfied if a tectonic rupture separated his nation from England by five miles of icy water. Everyone from the catering staff to the bigwigs is revelling in the build-up to Saturday's match with Italy.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/euro_2008/article2873167.ece
McFADDEN NOT FOR SALE
There's nothing more likely to annoy Scottish readers than taking a patronising tone and comparing their players with an England equivalent. Anyway, Everton have warned rivals that James McFadden, Scotland's answer to Wayne Rooney, is not for sale.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/everton/article2876253.ece
ONE FLAT FOSTER
Ben Foster has admitted he may not play for Manchester United again this season. The goalkeeper, who ruptured knee ligaments in May, hopes to be back in full training by February but realises he will probably have to go out on loan to get a game this term.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/manchester_united/article2876119.ece
KIDNAP ORDEAL OVER
The brother of Wilson Palacios has been released unharmed by his kidnappers in Honduras. Palacios has spoken of his relief after Edwin Rene, who was taken captive two weeks ago, was freed. "My team-mates helped me a lot during that terrible period of my life and I want to thank them for that," he said.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/birmingham/article2875861.ece
MICKEY MOUSE CLUB
Derby County have refused to comment on reports they are in negotiations with members of the Walt Disney family about a takeover, but executive chairman Adam Pearson did have a pop at the reporting. "This morning's headline is disappointing and does not reflect well on Derby County," Pearson said. Which is why we've used the same headline, word for word.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/derby/article2876892.ece
WIGAN WANT BRUCE
Steve Bruce is hoping to reward Birmingham City's loyalty by jumping ship and joining Wigan Athletic. The club's co-owners - David Gold and David Sullivan - think it is only fair to let Bruce discuss the opportunity as the club's future is shrouded in doubt because of Carson Yeung's takeover (and Bruce may be deemed surplus to requirements anyway).
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/wigan/article2872846.ece
EVER THE McBRIDE
You can tell it's international week. Yesterday, there was a Fulham story about how Jimmy Bullard is still coming back from injury, today there is a story about Brian McBride, revealing he is still on course to return after Christmas. Riveting.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/fulham/article2877633.ece
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* http://www.timesonline.co.uk/playthegame
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If you've got another couple of minutes
WIN DANA'S GREATEST HITS!!
After the latest barrage of messages from our moody Muscovite friends, Ahead of the Game was tempted to throw itself under a train like Anna Karenina (if you'll excuse us for giving away the plot to one of The Great Novels). Not content with driving us out of our plush offices in Wapping and into a dank nuclear bunker in the neighbour's garden that smells like a urine-soaked kennel, we've now had to employ sniffer dogs to check our e-mails for Polonium-210 (at least we've finally found a decent excuse to wire tap Mrs AOTG - we borrowed the kit from Mrs Chris Coleman).
Anyway, the Russian rabble's latest scurrilous attacks have included the following gems, kindly translated by our Russian bureau (after a long queue) in exchange for a couple of bottles of Vodka:
1) Eight writers want us to stay at home and do something inappropriate to the Queen while juggling our balls.
2) Another Tolstoy of the terraces exhorts fellow Russia fans to repeatedly send said message of bizarre ball-juggling / royal-romping routine to the paper as an act of support for the team.
3) Another silly Cyrillic billy would like to do something to England that even Gillian Taylforth would balk at - as would one of his friends.
4) AN Other says England have no chance of going to Euro 2008 and worse than that Croatia will defecate on us.
5) England's football team are also advised to take a rest this summer and watch football on television. Weaklings!
6) Another writer hopes Russia beat Israel's watery scabs 10-0 and says that this newspaper is used by priapic dogs.
7) And the final Solzenitzen of the Stands advises us to !*&! ourselves. Does he not realise that's what we did in Moscow last month?
Apparently this all kicked off when Sovsport, a Russian newspaper, picked up on the story and urged its readers to hijack the campaign. But really... this from a country with a proud literary tradition that includes Dostoevsky, Chekhov and Pushkin. As our man in Moscow puts it, these vodka-quaffing vandals probably think Tolstoy is an unused sub from CSKA.
Having said that, my editor tells me we should offer the hand of friendship and not mock our chums for their mediocre missives. To the author of the best Russian comment, we will send a Tchaikovsky box set, including the 1812 overture and all Pyotr Ilyich's other greatest hits. To our funniest, most urbane Israel fan, your reward will be a celebration of Dana International's finest songs.
http://timesonline.typepad.com/thegame/2007/11/honorary-israel.html
SCOTTISH CONFIDENCE TRICK
Scotland have already picked out their hotels for Euro 2008. "Some people would see it as tempting fate," Gordon Smith, the chief executive of the SFA, said, while putting on a celebratory T-shirt with THE JOCKS ROCK written across it, booking the open-top bus, piling his eggs in one basket and putting the finishing touches to his celebratory speech. "But I'd rather say it was professionalism and preparation." Could you imagine the snorts of derision from Tartan McDougall in Loch Rannoch if the English FA did that? That's right - not content with upsetting half of Eastern Europe, we're having a jealous pop at our more successful neighbours ...
BOXING CLEVER?
Manchester City fans close your eyes, think about Elano and scroll down to the next part of the e-mail. Ricky Hatton, devoted City fan and self-styled Man of the People, has gone big time. He may still have dinner with his mum, drink Guinness in his local boozer, get his mum to cut his hair / do his washing / tuck him in at night ... but he's shown less loyalty than Nicolas Anelka. He's started hanging out with David Beckham, one of the most famous United icons - as opposed to players - of recent years. "You always exchange numbers but the last thing I expected was to get texts from David Beckham saying 'How's your training going champ?' Hatton gushed. "I'm like, 'Dad, look who's texting me - it's David Beckham'. I have to pinch myself and I can't believe it's really him."
What are the odds on Becks carrying Hatton's belts into the ring to the soothing strains of Blue Moon? Maybe Hatton hasn't really sold out...
CASILLAS TRASH
Some good news for Paul Robinson. The Spurs No 1 may be about to lose his England place, but the stories floating around about Iker Casillas becoming Juande Ramos's First Big Signing are about as accurate as our spelling. According to a reliable source, representatives of the Real Madrid goalkeeper are hawking the story around as a way of getting him a nifty little pay rise. He's struggling to make ends meet on about £4 million a year, poor lamb.
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178
Number of non-English players in the previous round of Premier League matches. There were only 88 English players.
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A quickie before you go, sir?
WE'RE FIGHTING BACK
They can send their e-mails, but we will not be cowed. To show our continuing support for Israel in the face of that barrage of abuse from Russia, we've put together a video tribute of some of the best of the Holy Land's exports. First up, Yossi Benayoun. Even if he's not playing on Saturday, we still think he's great.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DdKFrAFXq-M
ONLY ONE RONNY
And of course, no mention of Israeli football would be complete without a clip of Ronny Rosenthal rinsing the last man, waltzing around the goalkeeper ... and chipping the ball on to the bar from eight yards. He's Israelite - and that's rhyming slang.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=84DBnf7GF_w
MAKING MUSIC
And of course, culture. Dana, the comely transsexual, singing at the European Song Contest. Never has there been a more deserving winner of the prestigious international music contest that unites the finest talents from across the continent in a blur of sequins, Terry Wogan, cross-dressing and bad taste.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ekGwczVBPNI
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>>>>>THE TABLOID TALE<<<<<
DEJA ROO - The Sun
What you need to know: 1) Wayne Rooney has been enjoying some injury time after hurting a foot again. 2) The forward has been snapped wearing that funny protective ski boot footballers seem to favour after a metatarsal injury. 3) He was in Amsterdam, but unfortunately that's where the fun ends. He wasn't limping round the red light district as we hoped, but instead enjoyed a romantic break with Coleen. Ah bless.
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In TheGame
Ric, our esteemed Manchester City fan, received a personal phone call from Sven-Goran Eriksson this week - it was a pre-recorded message and not an attempt to make a move on his wife - and it reminds him of when he ran up a massive phone bill ringing 0898 numbers. It was Clubcall, of course. Elsewhere in Fanzine Fanzone , Gareth Harrison, our Newcastle man, admits he feels as sleazy as a celebrity lawyer as he defends Joey Barton ... it's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it. Or do they?
http://timesonline.typepad.com/fanzine_fanzone/
Tony Evans has been handed a brown manila envelope containing a transcript from the Minister for Sport's private conversations. It makes Gerry Sutcliffe sound like a bumbling extra from Yes Minister, which suggests that the tapes are more authentic than we are letting on.
http://timesonline.typepad.com/thegame/2007/11/hello-spin-cent.html
Tony Cascarino is answering your problems again. Football's answer to Dear Deidre explains how to stop your five-a-side team hitting the wall and why anyone trying "the seal" deserves clubbing. Send your questions and turn your season around.
http://timesonline.typepad.com/thegame/2007/11/tony-cascarino-.html
On TheGame Podcast , Gerard Pique tells Guillem Balague who rules the roost at Manchester United. It's not Rooney or Ronaldo.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/audio_video/podcasts/thegame/article2840439.ece
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>>>>>THE RIVALS<<<<<
* We WON'T fight to save Mac: Owen and Co deny campaign - The Sun
* Foreign legions threaten England: Gerrard joins calls for restrictions - Daily Express
* Mickey Mouse club: Disney in Derby takeover talks - Daily Mail
* Foreign influx is 'big danger' for England, warns Gerrard - The Independent
* Bruce closes on Wigan return with backing of Birmingham - The Guardian
* Owen: Mac's up for chop if we fail - Daily Mirror
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Joe Bloggski's Soapbox
Good luck Russia! Watch us in Euro 2008 on TV next summer.
Thank you very much Mr Crazy .
RUSSIA FOR EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No box set for Olya , either.
YOU British idiots. YOU are losers and your manager is "magic". It's better to book a nice trip to island in pacific ocean on summer season than dream about Euro 2008.
Wonder what "magic" means in Russian. Anyway, thanks Art Darbi .
Russia is da best...and we gonna WIN!!! caz RUSSIA ROCK....beaaaccches! haha!
Thank you, Gleb .
Even if Israel win, do you realistically think that England will beat Croatia? Unless... they stick Josh Lewsey up front with Owen?!
Paul Miles ... whose team are you on anyway? And what sort of journalism would it be that didn't help create an environment of unrealistic expectation?
And...
I think this has been pointed out before, but Wayne Rooney comes from Croxteth, NOT Toxteth ... there is a huge difference between the two suburbs; Toxteth is in South Liverpool and consists largely of older Victorian era houses. Croxteth is in North Liverpool and is a post-second world war council housing estate - before council houses were privatised.
John Milce 's message is educational, funny and even a little bit snobby. Apologies to any budding property developers who were led astray by yesterday's error.
Send your mails to: sport@timesonline.co.uk
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Tomorrow's news today
- McClaren's last waltz begins in Vienna
- McLeish prepared to win ugly
And expect...
The politburo to refuse to comment after Ahead of the Game mysteriously disappears. Tributes to come flooding in, tears to be shed and decontamination suits to be worn.
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