Ahead of the Game: Minister for PR

AHEAD OF THE GAME

Alpha mail. The only truly useful football e-mail

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Wednesday, November 14, 2007. 1600 GMT
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The news in 60 seconds

MINISTER FOR PR
Gerry Sutcliffe, the new rent-a-quote Minister for Sport, has discovered the best way to get headlines is by talking about football, even if you know nothing about it. He says EU employment laws make it difficult to limit foreign players (really?), that we need a debate about foreign players (we've had one - see previous point) and that he's worried about the impact on the national team (more vacuous than a hoover). And we thought Steve McClaren had nothing new to say ...
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/article2869628.ece

YES, MINISTER
AOTG may think it's a publicity stunt that would shame a contestant on a reality TV show (except George Galloway, of course), but George Caulkin, our highly-respected correspondent in the North East, says we should give Sutcliffe credit. The Minister for Sport may get flak but Caulkin says there's nothing wrong with upsetting the status quo.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/article2870698.ece

GERRARD BACKING
You may not like reading this e-mail, it may never arrive on time and it won't help you qualify for a major championship - but Steven Gerrard says you should stick with it ... for continuity's sake. He also says the FA should show its faith in Steve McClaren, because there's no point changing manager every so often.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/euro_2008/article2870385.ece

HARGREAVES OUT
Why are we playing this friendly again? Owen Hargreaves, who is recovering from injury, will miss the Austria match on Friday. The Manchester United player is likely to join up with the England squad only if Russia fail to beat Israel the next day because the friendly is a waste of time, or words to that effect.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/euro_2008/article2868974.ece

O'NEILL IS REAL DEAL
Martin Samuel says that if the FA gives Steve McClaren a vote of confidence now it would make future protests about the England head coach as worthwhile as a Big Brother vote that didn't result in an eviction. As he doesn't think that will happen - and not just because TV is getting a bit more careful about dodgy polls - he's got another solution: Martin O'Neill. http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/euro_2008/article2866151.ece

HIDDINK TO NOTHING
Guus Hiddink has said that England don't deserve to reach the Euro 2008 finals if they don't qualify. Not unreasonable, when you think about it. Anyway, the Russia coach says that he is calm and relaxed because qualification is in his team's hands.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/euro_2008/article2869486.ece

LITA MUST SCORE
Steve Coppell has warned Leroy Lita that his future is on the line if he doesn't start scoring. Despite 1min 53sec of video evidence to the contrary, the forward has only managed to score once all season and the Reading manager has read him the riot act.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/reading/article2871085.ece

PUB FOOTBALLER
Curtis Davies has nearly completed his rehab. Davies, who was forced to sober up and smell the coffee after playing like a pub player in the Carling Cup, is close to a recall for Aston Villa. Martin O'Neill says he will not call time on his career (ahem), despite his half-cut performance.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/aston_villa/article2870143.ece

BECKHAM SHAMBLES
Everyone wants to jump on the Arsenal bandwagon these days and it seems David Beckham is no different. The LA Galaxy field-goal specialist wants to sharpen his skills over the off-season by training with the Arsenal All Stars.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/euro_2008/article2866181.ece

MACKAY CHARGED
Murdo Mackay, the former Derby County director of football, has been charged as part of an investigation into alleged financial irregularities. No news on whether Billy Davies's team will escape a wrap on charges of footballing incompetence, however.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/derby/article2870331.ece

PLATINI STANDS FIRM
Michel Platini, the Uefa president, is refusing to adopt the middle ground. Even though his plans to restructure the Champions League have drawn a blank, he wants to disband G14 and fight the forces of capitalism. Maybe we should introduce him to our esteemed Minister for Sport.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/european_football/article2866140.ece

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>>>>>FANTASY FOOTBALL WITH BRAINS<<<<<
* Register today for PlayTheGame, more meaningful than Friday's friendly
* It's free and you can still enter
* Win monthly prizes and tickets to the Euro 2008 final
* http://www.timesonline.co.uk/playthegame
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If you've got another couple of minutes

RUSSIA WITH LOVE
Ahead of the Game's latest jingoistic plan has backfired more than a 1970s Cortina (or the decision to pick Joleon Lescott). When we asked you to join in the banter by sending your support for Israel before Saturday's crucial (for us) match against Russia, we didn't expect to be flooded with responses like Chris Coleman's kitchen, but neither did we expect to cause a minor diplomatic incident.
Admittedly, AOTG is no stranger to controversy - what was it doing suggesting that Peter Crouch was better than Fernando Torres? - but we've never felt more like we were caught up in the middle of an episode of Spooks. After we were bombarded by about 226 threatening messages in everything from Cyrillic to gobbledygook, we have had to be relocated from Times House to a bunker in some forgotten part of East London for the rest of the week.
We don't exactly know what our Eastern European friends have been saying - because most of the messages are like this: категорически вас приветствую!!! желаю, как англичанам, так и израильтянам вцелом, проиграть!!! и на следующее лето лучше сидите дома!Россия-чемпион!!!
We hope that wasn't offensive - although it could be. Our translator refused to look at any more messages after one suggested we do something inappropriate with our gracious Queen. It had something to do with the royal we, but not as we know it.
Anyway, judging by the e-mails that have been written in English - "Sit at home in the summer", "Russia - we the best!!!" and anything with "F**k" in the subject line - it's probably not offering support to our light-hearted campaign. http://timesonline.typepad.com/thegame/2007/11/honorary-israel.html

LOST IN TRANSLATION
If the translation of those words was beyond us, at least we can explain The Sun's back page. The headline - written in 254-point and capital letters, like the best of your e-mails - shouted: "Israel coach: I want Russia to win". Which is pretty worrying for Steve McClaren (and anyone not sending e-messages in Cyrillic) at least until you turn the page. The "coach" is actually the goalkeeping coach. And he's not thrown in the towel - he's from Russia and wants Israel to do their best, but also hopes his compatriots reach the finals. "I would like Russia to qualify for the Euros and for them that means winning in Israel," he said to the hiss of a balloon deflating.

SCHOOLBOY ERROR
AOTG thought that Wayne Rooney's schooling began and ended at an educated right foot, but apparently not. Yesterday it was revealed that the Toxteth tearaway was studying to become a wine buff, now it turns out he's turning into an intellectual by studying for GCSEs in English and Maths. We were going to say how the 22-year-old should finally be able to sign all those autographs and count all that dosh, but the Minister for Sport's lazy comments undermined any weak jokes we had about the value of education.

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£700,035
Amount it would cost for Roman Abramovich to buy enough shares in Webbsfleet ISDN to make the whole experiment redundant. That's the same as paying Sheva Don't Chase to sit on the bench for six weeks or the price of the seat covering on his yacht.
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A quickie before you go, sir?

MARTIN SAMUEL'S POSTBAG
Martin Samuel has ridden your tackles and come out on top of another rugged debate. The five-times Sports Writer of the Year explains why Europe's wealth, power and colonial attitudes should not be allowed to dictate terms to the African Cup of Nations. A question for Ed - who took a mauling in the debate about Michael Owen and still came back for more - what is it that you enjoy about masochism?
http://timesonline.typepad.com/thegame/2007/11/the-african-nat.html

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>>>>>THE TABLOID SCANDAL<<<<<
It's Becks in kecks for £15m - The Sun
What you need to know: 1) David Beckham has signed a £15 million deal - to model underwear. 2) Becks' brief encounter with Armani will last for three years and he follows in the slips stream of Freddie Ljungberg, who was pants for Calvin Klein. 3) Beckham starred in a photoshoot on Friday and the first mag and billboard ads will appear in January. 4) It was an inevitable departure after the corner-taker's recent streaky appearances.
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In TheGame

Should the FA now stand for Failure to Act? In Fanzine Fanzone , James Henderson, our Sunderland man, wants to know how the governing body can refuse to take action after Joey Barton's horror tackle. Is it fear or incompetence? Our Geordie Gareth Harrison, meanwhile, swallows his conscience and leaps to his own two-footed defence of a player who has single-handedly turned "much-maligned" into a cliché.
http://timesonline.typepad.com/fanzine_fanzone/
Wondering why England are facing elimination from Euro 2008? Tony Evans explains that it's because of Stevie Me and the other selfish players.
http://timesonline.typepad.com/thegame/2007/11/the-most-selfis.html
A tangled web. Tom Dart joins the fun in mocking Webbsfleet ISDN in TheGame blog. Have a look at the spoof message and answer us one question: "runing" has obviously been misspelt, but what should it really say? Ruining or running?
http://timesonline.typepad.com/thegame/2007/11/websfleet.html
On TheGame Podcast , Gerard Pique tells Guillem Balague who rules the roost at Manchester United.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/audio_video/podcasts/thegame/article2840439.ece
Tony Cascarino is answering your problems again. Football's answer to Dear Deidre is ready to answer your questions. From how to stop your five-a-side team hitting the wall to why anyone trying "the seal" deserves clubbing. Send your questions and turn your season around.
http://timesonline.typepad.com/thegame/2007/11/tony-cascarino-.html
Still not caught up with the weekend's action? All the highlights from the week's Premier League matches , free of charge...
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/article2236741.ece

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>>>>>THE RIVALS<<<<<
* Bring on the Scots: home internationals back ... if they don't beat Italy - Daily Mail
* You deserve to go out - Hiddink tells McClaren - Daily Express
* Brown's mission: British players for British clubs - The Guardian
* Football's brave new world to start in Ebbsfleet - The Independent
* Wembley fears fans' protests if Russia win - The Daily Telegraph
* Blame us, not Mac: Gerrard says it's on our shoulders if we don't qualify - Daily Mirror
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Joe Bloggski's Soapbox

I want to wish victory to russian team, goddemn english pigs, you must learn to play football, f*****g idiots!
Fallen captures the spirit of a nation in a blizzard of asterisks. It's like Dostoyevsky, by way of Irvine Welsh

[Expletive, expletive, expletive and a couple more expletives about England] Russia and only Russia go to Austria and Switzerland!!!
Belyakov typifies the Soviet approach to the weekend (and free-market competition in general)

I wish England's team all the best luck to play in the homeland fields somewhere near Manchester next summer. From Russia with love
Gav Nuk manages a whole e-mail without swearing. Well done, you. And we're sorry no one else could.

GO ON ISRAEL DO DA JOB AGAINST DA RUSSIANS I DNT WANT A BORING SUMA
Tezer proves that it's not just Russia fnas who has prolbems wiht Ebglish (and we're aware of the irony of AOTG pointing that out)

And...

If, as promised at the top of your emails, AOTG is delivered at 1600 BST; shouldn't we be seeing it at a time closer to 3pm rather than your more usual 5pm?
No Soapbox is complete without an accurate example of our own well-chronicled inadequacies. Nin , you'll see we've changed it - even if it still ends up being late.

Send your mails to: sport@timesonline.co.uk

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Tomorrow's news today

- Quota voter: Gerrard joins calls for limit on foreigners
- Law unto itself: how watertight are EU employment laws?
- Hope in the Holy Land: the day's chant, miracle and chance to back our allies
- The build-up to Scotland v Italy

And expect...

Gerry Sutcliffe to reveal he wants to launch an inquiry into whether world peace can be achieved. He knows that there are complications with wars, deaths, famines and greed, but feels a frank debate would help.

Spread the word. It's like pyramid selling but without the hassle. Click on the following link if you (or your friends) want to subscribe to this newsletter:
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/article2187217.ece

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