AHEAD OF THE GAME
Alpha mail. The only truly useful football e-mail
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Friday, November 16, 2007. 1600 GMT
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The news in 60 seconds
LAMPARD AND BECKHAM WALTZ BACK IN
Steve McClaren has put his faith in England's World Cup flops. The head coach has recalled Frank Lampard and David Beckham for tonight's friendly against Austria. However, he added: "I've not said that the team that's playing is playing against Croatia." We reckon the midfield may be the same, though.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/euro_2008/article2879895.ece
McCLAREN ON BORROWED TIME
Steve McClaren has given his best Gloria Gaynor I Will Survive speech, but the silence coming from Brian Barwick, the FA chief executive, says much, much more. Martin Samuel says that the England head coach is unlikely to survive longer than his team's Euro 2008 campaign.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/euro_2008/article2879879.ece
NATIONAL PRIDE
Dror Kashtan, the Israel manager, has reacted like a Russian bear with a sore head after a bottle of Vladivar vodka in the wake of suggestions that his team will capitulate to Russia tomorrow. "We always retain our nationalism and pride," we are pleased to report he said.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/euro_2008/article2879825.ece
JOCKS READY TO ROCK
Alex McLeish is prepared to sacrifice the beautiful game against Italy tomorrow. The Scotland manager is happy to win ugly - if that's what it takes. "We are not as technically good as France or Italy - that is a fact," McLeish said. "So we've got to play true to ourselves as much as possible."
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/euro_2008/article2879950.ece
CHELSEA DENY TAPPING UP
Henk Ten Cate, the assistant Chelsea manager, has denied trying to tap up Ronaldinho. "It is a lie and what's worse is that the journalist sent me a message saying that they were going to publish the story and I told them it was not true, that it was a lie," he said. "They only did it to hurt Ronaldinho."
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/chelsea/article2884517.ece
REDKNAPP RANT
'Arry Redknapp has been 'avin a go at in'ernationals. "I expect it will be three-a-side in training as far as we are concerned next week," he said. Can't wait to hear what he's got to say in January when he's kicking a ball around with Sol Campbell, David James and his cat after the rest of his Portsmouth squad joins up with the African Cup of Nations.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/portsmouth/article2882972.ece
LUTON BUNG SCANDAL
The FA has levelled an unprecedented 55 disciplinary charges based on illegal payments made by Luton Town. The Coca-Cola League One club are unlikely to face a points deduction but could be hit with a transfer embargo during the transfer window.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/football_league/article2879882.ece
NEWELL VINDICATED
Bill Tomlins, the former Luton chairman, is reported to have told the FA that he had no choice but to make unauthorised payments to seven agents - because Mike Newell had made it impossible to negotiate with agents because he rowed over their commissions. If AOTG understands that right - and we're not sure we do - he's saying he had to dish out the dosh, because Newell wouldn't. http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/football_league/article2879946.ece
BINYA'S SIX-MATCH BAN
Augustin Binya, the Benfica midfield player, has been hit with a whopping six-match ban for his horrific studs-up, two-foot high tackle on Celtic's Scott Brown. A statement by Uefa said the challenge "seriously endangered the physical health of the opposing player".
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/scotland/article2882988.ece
RIDSDALE CRISIS
Another club, another bankruptcy? Cardiff City chairman Peter Ridsdale - who left Leeds United with debts of more than £78 million - is facing a court battle with Langston Corporation, which is thought to be owed £30 million by the club.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/football_league/article2879949.ece
JEWELL IN DEMAND
The Emerald Isle could be glistening with another Jewell (ahem). Ireland are believed to have approached former Wigan Athletic manager Paul Jewell about succeeding Steve Staunton. The FAI is keeping schtumm for the time being.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/euro_2008/article2880357.ece
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>>>>>FANTASY FOOTBALL WITH BRAINS<<<<<
* Register today for PlayTheGame - it's free so no need for illicit payments
* Win monthly prizes and tickets to the Euro 2008 final
* http://www.timesonline.co.uk/playthegame
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If you've got another couple of minutes
MIDFIELD McCRACKERS
Steve McClaren has been speaking cogently about his decision to revert to the tried and distrusted by bringing Frank Lampard and David Beckham into the team. "This midfield is not going back, it's going forward," he said, before contradicting himself faster than Amy Winehouse can down a bottle of Tequila. "The past performances recently show that and people have come to the fore."
So recent performances with Gareth Barry in midfield have shown we are going forward, so we'll build on that by dropping him and picking one of the past players who didn't perform.
Still, apart from trying to rib McClaren, there is another reason for reproducing this piece of muddled thinking.
There is an outside chance that Wednesday's match against Croatia could still mean something for England and we want to know what team McClaren should pick. As the national manager clearly isn't capable of doing the job, we thought we'd let you give it a go.
Just to start you off, here's a couple of ideas: Barry alongside Stevie Me (Thin-Skinned Frank can come on only if Gerrard doesn't perform because the two have proved they can't play together). And if he comes through tonight OK, David Beckham on the right of midfield because there is no one better (Shaun Wright-Phillips can come on with half an hour to go, if England need someone to run down cul-de-sacs).
Sense or nonsense? Over to you: sport@timesonline.co.uk
HI MUM! WE'RE ON TELEVISION!
From the bizarre to the ludicrous. Ahead of the Game has received some odd requests from our Russian friends - none more than the one about the pig - but today's request to do a TV interview takes the печенье (that's biscuit, according to Babel Fish). Those of you who aren't already ringing friends and family to sort out a subscription to channel 4,572 - or more precisely Sky 516 - may be wondering how your frivolous e-mail bulletin ended up being grilled like sea bass by the Prussian Paxman. We don't understand either: it all started with our website's lighthearted campaign for readers to send their messages of support to Israel fans before tomorrow's match against Russia.
In fact, it was the Russians who picked up on the banter and, with the grace of a potato farmer after a particularly serious bout of blight, deluged us with letters about our sexuality, Queen and any farmyard animal you can think of (and some you can't). Times Online has apparently caused quite a stir.
Fortunately, after reading yesterday's e-mail, our boss thought better of sticking us in front of a camera and substituted us quicker than Jose Mourinho could sacrifice Shaun Wright-Phillips to defend a 1-0 lead. He bravely stepped in to do the interview ... (and as soon as it's been shown we will publish his stoic defence of British journalism).
Still, in between doing our make-up and changing into a clean body-warmer and back out again, AOTG has been wondering: why aren't we offering our support to Macedonia? If they can beat Croatia, qualification is still in England's hands. And while it's not as likely as an Israel draw, it's still a decent bet. And yours truly might even make it on to Croatian TV.
CRANKY KRANKL
Hans Krankl, the Austria legend, has added a touch of spice to tonight's match by launching a bizarre attack on Beckham's celebrity lifestyle. "David is a great footballer, but since marrying Victoria his life has gone in a very different direction," Krankl said. "He has become a big marketing thing to a huge extent. He lives in luxury in Hollywood, but I do not think he can be happy with that."
Pot calling the kettle black, we think. OK, Krankl scored 34 goals in 69 internationals, was Austrian player of the year nine times in a row and was even selected as an unlockable in the Classic XI for an EA Sports game. But what you may not know is that Krankl had a pop career that peaked when Lonely Boy, his 1985 single, reached No 2. So maybe he's just bitter: as part of The Spice Girls, Victoria's first six singles reached No 1.
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>>>>>THE TABLOID TALE<<<<<
SVEN GETS ARM AND A LEG OVER - The Sun
What you need to know: 1) Wacky Sven-Goran Eriksson has introduced another odd training technique for his Man City stars - Greco-Roman wrestling. 2) The City boss, who is famed for getting to grips with the ladies, has got his team practising armlocks, bearhugs and headlocks. 3) He says it helps improve players' "passive resistance", although surely that technique would be more useful for Faria Alam, Ulrika-ka et al, yes? 4) The graphics department has done a nice little montage with Sven dressed in lycra - but what we really want to know is who drew the short straw and fought Micah Richards.
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A quickie before you go, sir?
WRESTLING WITH OUR CONSCIENCE
In case any of you were wondering what Greco-Roman wrestling is all about, here's some of the sport's most experienced practitioners in action. We tried to find the scene from Women In Love in which Alan Bates and Oliver Reed get down and dirty to a backdrop of flickering flames and scented candles, but couldn't. So relief all round, then.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qs_oNN2X-lk
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7,268
Approximate number of e-mails clogging up our inbox from Cyril Cyrillic and his Russian friends.
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In TheGame
Brian Glanville on the historic night in 1989 when Arsenal secured a fairytale ending at Anfield. It's the icing on his Soul of Arsenal in 50 moments.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/arsenal/article2883066.ece
How can you miss a 6ft 7in centre forward? Gary Lineker explains how he could forget about Peter Crouch as a partner for Michael Owen and why the lanky striker causes problems for his England colleagues.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/euro_2008/article2870616.ece
Gareth Beavis, our Portsmouth man, explains why the Watford gap should be worrying us all. Relegation could soon be little more than a one-year punishment for well-managed clubs as the financial clout carried down from a year in the top tier will make promotion a near certainty. Not that Pompey need to be worrying about that. Elsewhere in Fanzine Fanzone, Ric, our esteemed Manchester City fan, received a personal phone call from Sven-Goran Eriksson this week - it was a pre-recorded message and not an attempt to make a move on his wife - and it reminds him of when he ran up a massive phone bill ringing 0898 numbers. Our Wigan man also explains why they didn't want Paul Jewell to come back anyway - even if he will be fondly remembered for his achievements.
http://timesonline.typepad.com/fanzine_fanzone/
If you can't beat them, drink with them. Tony Cascarino , football's Dear Deidre, explains how there are plenty of ways to win a place in the starting line-up - and they don't all involve shuttle runs and back passes. Casa is also preaching the gospel of cheating. "It's a selfish sport, full of cheats," he warns.
http://timesonline.typepad.com/thegame/2007/11/tony-cascarino-.html
Tonight, the first in our monthly series of EuroGame Podcasts .
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/audio_video/podcasts/
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>>>>>THE RIVALS<<<<<
* Mac flops to cash in ... even if we fail - The Sun
* FA throw the book at Luton - Daily Mail
* The Axe Factor: McClaren's fate decided 8pm on Saturday - Daily Mirror
* Saturday night fever - McClaren to watch Tel Aviv crunch with no FA backing - Daily Express
* I will survive, vows McClaren - The Daily Telegraph
* Barry dropped as McClaren places his faith in old guard - The Independent
* McClaren crosses his fingers and prays - The Guardian
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Joe Bloggs' Soapbox
Re: Your Scots diatribe [yesterday's AOTG] ... I think you'll find that my cousin Tartan MacDougall lives in Kinloch Rannoch. That'll be the village as opposed to the watery depths of the loch - something AOTG appears to have sunk to in its vicious diatribe on my home nation.
Is Haggis MacDonald really your name or do you just like to dress up in kilts on the weekend?
Don't understand these comments about late delivery [of AOTG]. I've been getting it on time for the last two months whilst I've been in Canada.
If anyone else wants to receive this e-mail on time, we recommend they follow Bill Arthur 's advice and emigrate to a suitable time zone
Like every other decision the FA/Fifa/Uefa makes, [the one about quotas] will be a day late and a dollar short. McClaren's axing aside - it will happen, let's just hope it's this year and not 2010 - all the banter around imports in the Premier League will not be acted upon until it's too late. The real threat to us putting up a decent argument to cap the imports (they're the result not the cause) is the trend towards foreign ownership. That's where the capping needs to start.
Matt McGraw will quite possibly be writing Gerry Sutcliffe's next speech. Read into that what you will.
And a few more from Joe Bloggsniki...
I'm not going to abuse. Not going to insult the Queen and Big Ben as if it were my only associations with England. By the way your articles needs only words "babushka" and "samovar" to make the set of your associations with Russia complete. Sure, you never read Tolstoy or Solzhenitsyn, never listened to Tchaikovsky. Russia will win, Israel will be defeated, because everybody must get what he is really worthy of. There are laws not only football, but human, and they are on our side. Because Russians never switched off the light during your team's training, even after 3-0 at Wembley our coach answered all the questions regardless of the nationality of the journalist, our newspapers don't laugh at your history, don't scoff at our culture. You will be punished for your arrogance, suparcilliousity and rudeness . That's all. It will be so. By all means. What a tactless appeal to Yuval Shpungin?!!!
Can't you understand it's not a joke! Football is a game, not the tools of political battles! Is the feeling of shame familiar to you?! Don't touch our history. Don't behave like stupid yellow pages. Now you're laughing and Russians redden for anger. Fine, we'll laugh on Saturday. The one who is dared by the last is well dared.
Ksenya, a student & a journalist and quite scary (and very articulate ).
As an Israeli, I'll be willing to write something funny only if you promise ***Not*** to send me a "celebration of Dana International's finest songs". We have enough trouble here in the Middle East as it is ... Oh, and by the way, winning against the Russian team is easy ... we simply need to put a vodka bar next to the water cooler in the half-time...
We also hope the Russians will drink in the moment.
Send your mail to: sport@timesonline.co.uk
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Tomorrow's news today
- Dead man waltzing: Martin Samuel, Oliver Kay and Matt Hughes on Steve McClaren's last dance
- Praying for a miracle in Israel
- Scotland nearly there - they just need to beat Italy
And expect...
Steve McClaren to call up Bobby Charlton for the crucial qualifier against Croatia but promise: 'I'm looking to the future.'
Spread the word. It's like pyramid selling but without the hassle. Click on the following link if you (or your friends) want to subscribe to this newsletter:
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/article2187217.ece
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Anonymous tips, suggestions, funnies, fan mail and complaints: sport@timesonline.co.uk
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