AHEAD OF THE GAME
Alpha mail. The only truly useful football e-mail
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Wednesday, October 24, 2007. 1600 BST
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The news in 60 seconds
BENITEZ CLATTERS GERRARD
Steven Gerrard may get away with refereeing matches, but Rafa Benitez won't let him pick the team against Besiktas tonight. The Liverpool manager has warned his midfield maestro that he'll whip him off quicker than Mark Clattenburg can change yellow to red if it'll help the team.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/liverpool/article2726839.ece
DELICATE DROGBA
Petr Cech, the Chelsea goalkeeper, says Didier Drogba's tantrum will be forgotten if the forlorn forward helps them beat Schalke O4 in a few hours' time. It's his first home game since those quotes, so expect lots of tears and badge-kissing in the most touching reconciliation since the last time he said he was leaving.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/european_football/article2726813.ece
WALCOTT FOR ENGLAND!
Theo Walcott "is intelligent, has fantastic pace and his technique is improving". In fact, the Arsenal forward is so good that Arsene Wenger says he should play for England. In fact, he's so good that we bet he'll end up on the bench against Liverpool on Sunday.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/european_football/article2727301.ece
SCOTS CLOSE ON ENGLAND
Bad news for Ahead of the Game, good news for Mrs Ahead of the Game: Scotland are just two places behind England in the latest Fifa rankings. Alex McLeish's team are 13th, the highest position in the country's history. If Jens Lehmann really wants to know what it's like to be "humiliated" he should come round for dinner. Unfortunately it's bloody haggis for tea.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/euro_2008/article2730703.ece
MESSI BLASTS 'ANTI-FOOTBALL'
Lionel Messi has criticised Rangers for playing "anti-football" in last night's 0-0 draw. The Barcelona forward has suggested that the Gers make up for it at the Nou Camp in two weeks' time by forming a guard of honour and applauding as the home team do keepie-uppies among themselves before passing the ball into an empty net.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/european_football/article2731744.ece
CLOCK TICKING FOR COVENTRY
Coventry City say it's Christmas or bust as they court potential investors. The club are £38 million in debt and Joe Elliott, the chairman, says they face financial ruin before winter is out if an investor doesn't step forward.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/football_league/article2731509.ece
GREEN LIGHT FOR JEWELL
Paul Jewell is free to join Bolton Wanderers, according to Wigan Athletic chairman Dave Whelan. It was thought that Jewell was on "gardening leave" for at least six months after his departure from the JJB Stadium, but Whelan thinks it would be funnier to put him through another relegation battle.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/bolton/article2730618.ece
LAND OF THE BLARNEY
David O'Leary is in the frame for the Ireland job after the FAI decided that Stan was no longer the man. However, the Ireland officials have longer memories than the goldfish in Peter Ridsdale's old Leeds United office and are worried about his chequered past. http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/euro_2008/article2726822.ece
LIVE MATCH TRACKER
Be the first to find out when Steven Gerrard is substituted and keep up to date with all tonight's European and Football League action with our live match tracker, including teams and goal updates.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/live_match_tracker/
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>>>>>FANTASY FOOTBALL WITH BRAINS<<<<<
* Register today for PlayTheGame, more entertaining than Arsenal if you're a Slavia Prague defender
* It's free and you can still enter
* Win monthly prizes and tickets to the Euro 2008 final
* http://www.timesonline.co.uk/playthegame
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If you've got another couple of minutes
OWEN'S CRIMINAL PAST
It's the biggest shock since J.K. Rowling outed Dumbledore. Michael Owen has revealed that football saved him from a life of crime. The squeaky-clean star thinks that he could have ended up picking pockets rather than defences if it hadn't been for the beautiful game.
OK, it's about as convincing as when Guy Ritchie claimed he was a gangster (for Micky's sake, his rap sheet consists of 11 yellow cards in as many seasons and a few too many hands of poker with the England boys), but that hasn't stopped the Daily Star mocking him up in a hoodie to show what the baby-faced assassin could have looked like.
But James "Whitey" Bulger he is not. "I would always be in the park kicking a ball about when I was a kid," Owen said. "If I was playing football then it would stop me doing something else. Who knows what that something else might have been?" A jockey? An accountant?
Perhaps the only ones who will agree with the forward are the Newcastle fans. They probably feel they've already been robbed after spending £16 million on the Northern Crock (it could so easily have been Crook). Anyway, Ahead of the Game has been trying to work out a decent moniker for the would-be tea-leaf and the best we could come up with under pressure were "The Magpie Mafioso" and "The Toon Raider". Or what about the St James' Nark?
Send your suggestions to: sport@timesonline.co.uk
JOL LOSING FACE (AGAIN)
It seems Dimitar Berbatov is not the only one losing patience with Martin Jol. The stroppy striker's quivering bottom lip was nearly as bloated as Britney Spears' collagen-enhanced chops after his run-in with the Tottenham manager on Monday. Now the fans are ready to throw down their rattles, spit their dummies and stamp their feet in frustration too. The top six groups supporting "Jolly" on Facebook - that modern barometer of fan favour and the first port of call for Ahead of the Game in a managerial crisis - are shedding members faster than Michael Dawson can lose his man at a set-piece. James Huddleston seems to capture the mood on "Don't sack Martin Jol". "Fed up of defending Martin Jol: what a pile of s***e! Time to jog on you mug! Gutted i was a believer but had enuf now." A relation to Tom, but less literate? Anyway, he is one of 63 members to have quit the group. "Sack Martin Jol" has nine more members - and Daniel Levy has still not signed up.
WHAT A WAG
Teenage girls should look up to WAGs because they are intellectuals. That's not what AOTG thinks, it's not even what Posh thinks: it's the verdict of a bona fide, honest-as-the-day-is-long, dyed-in-the-wool, official Government body. The Learning and Skills Council says that at least nine high-profile footballers' wives and girlfriends - but not Mrs Beckham - gained the equivalent of five GCSEs (that's apparently good). "Many young people today believe that fame and fortune is possible without hard work," Julia Dowd of the LSC said. "But whatever your chosen career, gaining the minimum set of qualifications is an important first step." Or you can get a boob job, pop down to China White and grab yourself a footballer.
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9-4
Odds on Jurgen Klinsmann becoming next Tottenham manager (Paddy Power)
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A quickie before you go, sir?
THE WONDER OF WALCOTT
If Arsene Wenger can get carried away by a couple of goals against low-grade opposition, then so can we. We've compiled a selection of the best bits in Theo Walcott's short career. Like Thierry Henry, he's got blistering pace, a decent touch and an eye for goal. Unlike Titi, he even scores a header. Told you we were getting carried away...
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/european_football/article2730273.ece
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>>>>>THE TABLOID SCANDAL<<<<<
BECKS LOVES MY CHRISTMAS CRACKERS - Daily Star
What you need to know: 1) Victoria Beckham has told Chris Moyles that David Beckham likes to play with her front pair - but refused to say if they were fake. 2) The Radio One DJ quizzed Posh about her substitute strikers live on air yesterday, but she would only reveal that David is more than happy with her present look. 3) It's no wonder she's keeping schtum. After that retreat from Moscow, artificial surfaces are about as popular as Sporty Spice.
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In TheGame
Tony Cascarino takes no prisoners. The former Ireland forward and Times columnist has been getting stuck into your comments after he proposed 'Arry Redknapp as the next England manager. The campaign for 'Arry starts here.
http://timesonline.typepad.com/thegame/2007/10/the-debate-tony.html
Ever wondered what Middlesbrough and England have in common? And no, it's not a soon-to-be-unemployed manager. They're both losers. Find out how we rate Britain's Top 50 Sporting Losers .
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/more_sport/article2725829.ece
Walter Smith was too busy to speak to TheGame Podcast - the Rangers manager had some Catalans coming round for tea, or something - but Gabriele Marcotti and Guillem Balague don't let that get in the way of the business at hand. They lead an action-packed edition of the best football podcast on the market. Steven Gerrard is The Anfield Untouchable - discuss...
http://timesonline.typepad.com/thegame/2007/10/cascarino-v-bal.html#more
In Fanzine Fanzone , our Newcastle fan explains - or should it be gloats? - that a few Nurofen should cure his hangover while it will take more than that to cure Spurs' headaches. But our Tottenham man is refusing to ring in sick. He may have a queasy feeling in his stomach but he explains why it's the board's fault and not the manager's.
http://timesonline.typepad.com/fanzine_fanzone/
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>>>>>THE RIVALS<<<<<
* Magnificent Seven - Daily Express
* Boy Wonder: Theo stars for Arsenal - Daily Mail
* Wonderful Walcott comes of age - The Daily Telegraph
* Two great wins! - Daily Mirror
* Electric Walcott puts Arsenal in seventh heaven - The Guardian
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Joe Bloggs' Soapbox
Lehmann is a complete waste of talent, and he has no respect for his "dear manager" who, by the way, is undefeated, and would have a perfect record if it wasn't for Jens's slip-ups.
Kyle Ritter from the United States attempts to humiliate Lehmann, although it looks like the goalkeeper can do that on his own .
Why the hell is ITV showing United and Arsenal on ITV1 and ITV4 when THE game of the night is surely Rangers v Barcelona?
Asked Ryan Scott before last night's Champions League matches. It just goes to show that prescience is a difficult skill to master...
Sometimes you just say it better than we do, which is why we've dedicated a small corner of this e-mail to your views and boos. Feel free to send us your opinions to sport@timesonline.co.uk
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Tomorrow's news today
- Almunia gloves up for fight with Calamity Jens
- O'Shea says Manchester United are very scary
- And while we can't tell you what will happen tonight, we can promise reports and reaction from tonight's Champions League matches
And expect...
AOTG to slip the haggis to the dog and drown its sorrows in cheap Scotch.
Spread the word. It's like pyramid selling but without the hassle. Click on the following link if you (or your friends) want to subscribe to this newsletter:
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/article2187217.ece
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Anonymous tips, suggestions, funnies, fan mail and complaints: sport@timesonline.co.uk
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