AHEAD OF THE GAME
Alpha mail. The only truly useful football e-mail
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Thursday, October 4, 2007. 1600 BST
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The news in 60 seconds
CELTIC FAN BANNED FOR LIFE
The Celtic fan who ran on to the pitch and patted Dida on the cheek has been banned for life. The AC Milan goalkeeper, who went down like he'd been given an authentic Glaswegian kiss, has been criticised by the Celtic chairman for his "antics" (more of which later) while Uefa is to launch an investigation.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/scotland/article2589888.ece
N'ZOGBIA CAN BE NEXT RICKETTS!?!
Big Sam has attempted to put the frighteners on Charles N'Zogbia. The Newcastle United manager has told his winger not to get carried away with his international call-up - or he'll end up like Michael Ricketts. Ouch...
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/newcastle/article2590022.ece
CARRICK GETS ELBOW
Bad news for Manchester United: Michael Carrick, the Manchester United midfield player, has been ruled out for six weeks with a broken elbow. John O'Shea will stand in.
Good news for England: Michael Carrick, the Manchester United midfield player, has been ruled out for six weeks with a broken elbow. Gareth Barry will keep his place.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/manchester_united/article2587346.ece
McCLAREN SHOULDERS BURDEN
Steve McClaren, speaking before he announces his squad for the Euro 2008 qualifiers, has said there is no more pressure being England head coach than there is being Middlesbrough boss. Presumably that's because he was worried about his job then as well?
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/euro_2008/article2589876.ece
BRUCE WORRIED
Steve Bruce says that he's worried about his future because of Carson Yeung's takeover and not because he's got a dodgy record in the transfer market and Birmingham City are thirteenth in the table. He's worried a new broom will want to sweep clean.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/birmingham/article2589607.ece
BARTON TRIAL
Sorry, this one's got to be a bit dour. Joey Barton, the Newcastle United midfield player, appeared in court today, accused of assaulting Ousmane Dabo in an alleged training-ground incident in May. Barton "strenuously denies" the charge.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/newcastle/
BENITEZ TINKER STINKER
Rafael Benitez says it's everyone's fault but his own. The Bearded One said he doesn't regret rotating his team after their humbling defeat by Marseilles. It's the players who need to learn, not the manager. Any positives from the evening? "Yes, it's over."
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/liverpool/article2585200.ece
UEFA REDUCES SCOLARI BAN
There must be a sliding scale for punishments, depending on how well you punch.
Uefa has reduced Luiz Felipe Scolari's ban from four matches to two, presumably on the grounds that his punch didn't connect with Ivica Dragutinovic. Another proud moment for Europe's governing body. http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/euro_2008/article2589267.ece
LIVE MATCH TRACKER
Keep up to date with all today's European action with our live match tracker, including teams and goal updates. Tottenham are playing as we write...
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/live_match_tracker/
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>>>>>FANTASY FOOTBALL WITH BRAINS<<<<<
* Register today for PlayTheGame, a safer bet than Paul Robinson (or David James)
* It's free and you can still enter
* Win monthly prizes and tickets to the Euro 2008 final
* http://www.timesonline.co.uk/playthegame
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If you've got another couple of minutes
DIDA ACTING UP
Ahead of the Game hasn't laughed so hard since Rivaldo threw himself to the floor clutching his face in agony like he'd been poked in the eye by a corner flag. But even the Brazil play-actor looked like a Method actor compared to Dida in last night's sham-dram performance, when a Celtic Ned ran on to the pitch to pat him lightly on the cheek. Before Dida could remember his lines - look shocked, stagger backwards clutching face, fall down writhing like a snake, exeunt stage left on a stretcher and claim the match as a forfeit - the red mist descended and he chased off after the little scamp. As soon as he's made five or six yards the penny drops and he throws himself to the ground in comedy fashion - like Paul Alcock after a shove from Paolo Di Canio - before clutching his face and writhing around like Robbie Savage.
Maybe it was the theatrics that hurt, because the medics were quickly on the scene to carry him off on a stretcher and apply ice to the side of his face. (He later underwent key-hole surgery as surgeons searched in vain to find some backbone.)
But while we laugh, the Celtic chairman Brian Quinn hasn't seen the funny side. He has called for Uefa to take action against the performance artist. He's also called the behaviour of the Ned "disgraceful", but while we are aware that there is a wider debate - such as whether some clown should be able to get on the pitch and whether Celtic and Dida should be punished - that's not our concern. It certainly won't stop us mocking the (un)afflicted. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXc3nH7ibvI
RONALDO STARTS NEW CHAPTER
From one play-actor to another. Cristiano Ronaldo has launched his new book, Moments , in which the Manchester United winker poses half-naked and outlines his philosophy. "Football is my absolute priority, but I do recognise that I am very fond of advertising," he wrote. It would be hard to say anything else, in a book designed to advertise yourself. We are told that the pictures - it's for art, daahling - include Ronaldo reclining topless on a gold inflatable chair as a bikini-clad babe lounges next to him. There's also two of him in a sauna and numerous shots of him half-naked on diving boards. Let's just say it's got more in common with David Nugent and that naughty mobile phone pic than it has with Annie Leibovitz...
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/manchester_united/article2584720.ece
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4
Number of strides Dida took before realising that he was hurt.
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A quickie before you go, sir?
ACT I: RIVALDO WRITHES
We're grateful to Dida for allowing us to dust off some of these classics. Here's the original master, Rivaldo, in action. Five years have gone by, but it hasn't got any less funny. http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=384196675163553814&q=rivaldo+world+cup&total=60&start=0&num=10&so=0&type=search&plindex=1
ACT II: TAYLOR TUMBLES
Of course, we couldn't suggest that it's only Brazilian braggarts who throw themselves to the ground. Here's Steven Taylor, doing a passable impression of Tom Berenger in Platoon (or was it Willem Defoe?). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32SccQyl-Mw
ACT III: ROLLING ROBBEN
Two for the price of one. Eidur Gudjohnsen makes a meal of a challenge by Pepe Reina, before Robben falls to the ground like he's been hit by a cannon ball after the Liverpool shoves him.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=BP3RrQFkMBQ
FINAL ACT
There's a whole load more to chose from. Click here to see the likes of Jens Lehmann and Jurgen Klinsmann at their worst...
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/article2588440.ece
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>>>>>THE TABLOID SCANDAL<<<<<
7 is Ron's mucky number - The Sun
What you need to know: 1) Cristiano Ronaldo has had his lucky number tiled on the bottom of his swimming pool - where he (allegedly) romped with five hookers. 2) The No 7 refers to his Manchester United shirt - and not the number of his (alleged) sub-aqua conquests.
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In TheGame
Tom Dart sees a Transylvanian TV reporter putting the frighteners on an ARS EH NUL fan
http://timesonline.typepad.com/thegame/2007/10/basic-instincts.html
Martin Samuel gives readers the equivalent of a dressing-room rollicking, complete with flying tea cups, boots and pizza, as he rummages through his postbag .
http://timesonline.typepad.com/thegame/2007/10/the-debate-mart.html
In Fanzine Fanzone, our Chelsea man says that Roman Abramovich needs to do more than sit next to a bloke with beer belly and tattoos if he wants to be loved. Tony Evans, our resident Liverpool fan, says that Here We Go Gathering Cups in May is required reading, while James Henderson, our Sunderland fan, says lessons need to be learnt - and fast.
http://timesonline.typepad.com/fanzine_fanzone/
On TheGame Podcast , Nigel Winterburn joins Gabriele Marcotti and the team to reveal the secret behind Arsene Wenger's success. Kevin Day, Tony Cascarino and Bill Edgar complete the line-up.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/audio_video/
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>>>>>THE RIVALS<<<<<
* Masked raiders: Terry says Blues are back in business - Daily Mirror
* Drogba rises above turmoil as Chelsea rediscover self-belief - The Independent
* Jose is just history: Grant proclaims start of new era - Daily ExpressÍ
* Who needs Jose? Avram's Chelsea repeat famous victory - Daily Mail
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Joe Bloggs' Soapbox
We can even score from free kicks now, and our corners actually get to our players.
All in all, Manchester City are a far better team without Barton, so chin up son...
R Levenston from Bristol probably disagrees with Joey Barton's assertion yesterday that he made Manchester City what they are today
"No sooner has the FA launched a crackdown on intimidating referees (that's players threatening referees, as opposed to Uriah Rennie) than a manager is having a pop at an official." Racist. I can't think of another reason you'd think Uriah Rennie is threatening?
Spike is clearly one of the few people NOT intimidated by a 16st magistrate with a black belt in martial arts.
Sometimes you just say it better than we do, which is why we've dedicated a small corner of this e-mail to your views and boos. Feel free to send us your opinions to sport@timesonline.co.uk
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Tomorrow's news today
- Alyson Rudd talks exclusively to Thierry Henry
- How Dida's antics will haunt him for ever
And expect...
Dida to give a tearful speech as he accepts his Oscar
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http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/article2187217.ece
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