AHEAD OF THE GAME
Alpha mail. The only truly useful football e-mail
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Friday, October 5, 2007. 1600 BST
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The news in 60 seconds
ST MICHAEL BACK FOR ENGLAND
Steve McClaren has included St Michael of Owen in the England squad for the qualifiers against Estonia and Russia. The England head coach says he has cleared it with Big Sam, the Newcastle manager, but we're not convinced. Dean Ashton and Thin-Skinned Frank are also in the squad, but there's no David Beckham.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/euro_2008/article2595797.ece
CHELSEA GIVEN SHORT SHRIFT
Henk ten Cate has denied that he has accepted a job with Chelsea. Several newspapers today quoted sources close to the Ajax manager as saying that he had reached an agreement with them, but he says that's not true and he wants to stay with the Dutch club until the end of the season.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/chelsea/article2597198.ece
FERGUSON PREDICTS 'DELUGE'
Sir Alex Ferguson has been promising a flood of goals any day now, presumably because Manchester United play Wigan Athletic tomorrow. Wigan supporters bring your life rafts...
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/manchester_united/article2597514.ece
KEANO GETS NOSTALGIC
Roy Keane has gone all misty eyed talking about his battles with Patrick Vieira, saying he used to start getting ready the week before matches with Arsenal. Let's just assume Cesc Fabregas isn't quite so excited about facing Liam Miller on Sunday.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/article2597456.ece
PREMIER LEAGUE TEAM NEWS
Jermaine Pennant returns for Liverpool after ban, Eduardo still out for Arsenal, Antoine Sibierski doubtful for Wigan and Andrew Johnson, the Everton penalty-winner, is in contention for the Merseysiders. All the Premier League team news, as it breaks.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/article2582646.ece
BLATTER BLATHER
Sepp Blatter has pledged to take on the EU in a bid to impose a quota for foreign players. It's an admirable cause, but considering the highlight of the Fifa president's tenure has been saying women footballers should wear tighter shorts, we won't hold our breath.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/article2594726.ece
BELLAMY'S KWIK-FIT FIX
Craig Bellamy has had an operation on his groin but is expected to be fighting fit (that's what it says, honest) in two weeks' time after visiting Dr Ulrike Kwick-Fit Fix Muschaweck in Munich. It's the same operation as the one Michael Owen underwent.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/west_ham/article2592201.ece
BRITISH LEGIONS ADVANCE (ONE CASUALTY)
Nicholas Anelka scores with his first touch as Bolton secure safe passage, Everton's James McFadden shows his mettle against Metalist, Blackburn fall short but even Tottenham can't throw away a 6-1 advantage. All the reports from last night's Uefa Cup matches.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/
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If you've got another couple of minutes
UEFA'S TURN TO ACT UP
Celtic are being investigated by Uefa, which must be the biggest charade since Wednesday (when, in case anyone hadn't noticed, Dida took a tumble, clutching his cheek like he'd been kissed by Beth Ditto). After the governing body announced the club would have to answer charges of a "lack of organisation", Ahead of the Game has been given an inside line on the most predictable case since Britney Spears's custody battle. The "secret tapes" from our investigation* go something like this.
"Brian Quinn, chairman of Celtic, can you explain how a fan was able to get on to the pitch?"
"Simple, Mr Gaillard, Uefa media man, he walked on."
"What do you mean, walked on? Why is that?"
"There are no perimeter fences in British grounds, because they are dangerous. And we also like to pretend that we don't believe in locking fans up like they are in prison."
"Well, that's not good enough. What can you do to stop it happening next time?"
"Erect a big wire perimeter fence."
"What else?"
"Erect an electric fence?"
"No, no, no. We can't have that. That would make Uefa look reactionary. What else?"
"I don't know... use cattle prods?"
"This is no good, we have to do something: Uefa always takes ill-considered action after the event. We even have Stable Door directives. I know! We'll give you a fine. How about £10,000? You can even take it out of your Champions League winnings!"
Having resolved that, the two shake hands before discussing why Scottish teams are suddenly the best in the whole world ever and whether people really eat deep-fried Mars bars.
* As imagined by Ahead of the Game
We know: it's a serious issue... but Celtic have already found the fan and banned him for life. If Uefa can't prevent endemic racist chanting from its member countries or stop police baton-charging spectators, Celtic can't be expected to stop the isolated actions of one idiot. Of course, it wouldn't do for Uefa to do nothing. Maybe they should announce a crackdown on "simulation" or something crazy like that.
E-mail: sport@timesonline.co.uk
BLUEWATER, PALACE OR DIY?
Ahead of the Game doesn't know what to do with itself tomorrow. With only one Premier League match kicking off at 3pm, even Jeff Stelling won't be able to make it sound interesting. So after Manchester United play Wigan at 12.45pm, it's either lugging the WAG's bags around Bluewater or a trip to Crystal Palace in the Fizzy-Pop Championship. Er, perhaps it's time to put those shelves up.... Anyway, we're not the only ones struggling. Match of the Day has promised there will be plenty to watch in its hour-long Saturday night episode, with Alan Shearer ready to fill the dead air-time with witty banter, which sounds about as exciting as Gordon Brown giving an off-the-cuff speech about the latest strategic health-care review.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/article2592200.ece
SUITS YOU, SIR
On a lighter note, Thierry Henry talks exclusively to Alyson Rudd about being a big shot, watching Arsenal's next generation bloom, why he misses the Premier League and, er, Tommy Hilfiger suits. http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/article2592166.ece
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32
Number of Football League games that kick off at 3pm tomorrow.
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A quickie before you go, sir?
RUGBY AM
As if it wasn't bad enough when French television ripped off Soccer AM's crossbar challenge last month (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6O9aa5lQMs&mode=related&search=), the egg-chasers have gone and copied it as well. The France rugby team attempt to hit la barre transversale, but like Soccer AM, it's just not funny without Tim Lovejoy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6EeeYQ1yrs
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>>>>>THE TABLOID SCANDAL<<<<<
That was never a penalty! Wrighty fined - The Sun
What you need to know: 1) Ian Wright, Wright, Wright had to play peacemaker after a dodgy penalty decision. 2) The Arsenal legend pulled his mate away from a traffic warden after he had been given a £100 fine for parking without a resident's permit in St John's Wood, North London. 3) "Wrighty" later claimed the warden had been "disgraceful and lippy", which is a bit like Dennis Wise moaning about a referee swearing at him.
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In TheGame
Dida goes down like he's been given a Glaswegian kiss, Steve Taylor looks like an extra in Platoon and Rivaldo crumples like he's been poked in the eye by a corner flag. Our compilation of the best actors in football awaits you.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/article2588440.ece
Walter Gammie , our Non-League know-all, explains how Dinnington have not looked back since they (literally) kicked off this season's FA Cup.
http://timesonline.typepad.com/thegame/2007/10/cup-dominates-d.html
Martin Samuel gives readers the equivalent of a dressing-room rollicking, complete with flying tea cups, boots and pizza, as he rummages through his postbag .
http://timesonline.typepad.com/thegame/2007/10/the-debate-mart.html
Tom Dart sees a Transylvanian TV reporter putting the frighteners on an ARS EH NUL fan
http://timesonline.typepad.com/thegame/2007/10/basic-instincts.html
In Fanzine Fanzone, our Chelsea man says that Roman Abramovich needs to do more than sit next to a fat man with tattoos if he wants to be loved. Tony Evans, our resident Liverpool fan, says that Here We Go Gathering Cups in May is required reading, while James Henderson, our Sunderland fan, says lessons need to be learnt - and fast.
http://timesonline.typepad.com/fanzine_fanzone/
On TheGame Podcast , Nigel Winterburn joins Gabriele Marcotti and the team to reveal the secret behind Arsene Wenger's success. Kevin Day, Tony Cascarino and Bill Edgar complete the line-up.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/audio_video/
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>>>>>THE RIVALS<<<<<
* Cate: I want to help rebuild Chelsea - The Sun
* Grant living the 'fantasy' - Daily Mail
* Ajax want Jol in their hot seat - Daily Mirror
* Ten Cate to take role as Grant's No 2 - The Independent
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Joe Bloggs' Soapbox
When the physios arrived at Dida it should have been immediately clear to trained medics that there was nothing out of sorts. I would have liked to see them haul the big fella to his feet, check his balance, and let him get on with collecting the ball from the back of his net. Instead, they slapped an ice-pack on his face... The sorry affair should have three outcomes: Celtic ought to be fined for failure to control their players; Dida ought to be suspended for simulation; and the AC Milan physios should be sacked for trying to aid the stupid Brazillian con the footballing world.
Alan Gillespie from Glasgow raises an interesting point: should the physios be punished too?
I am tired of defending our so-called "beautiful game" from rugby fans due to the escapades of these players who seem to make a living out of throwing themselves to the ground in the vile hope of it influencing the result.
Greig Cook from Edinburgh has had enough of Dida's antics. We all agree.
It seems to me that only replacing Benitez with Avram Grant or Martin Jol can truly save Liverpool.
"Sven Eriksson" from Sweden would appear to be having a joke. But then again, maybe not.
Sometimes you just say it better than we do, which is why we've dedicated a small corner of this e-mail to your views and boos. Feel free to send us your opinions to sport@timesonline.co.uk
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Tomorrow's news today
- Roy Keane on why the game has lost its soul
- Reaction to McClaren's England squad
- The Fink Tank: defending the defenders
And expect...
Heavy flooding to stop play at Old Trafford, Roy Keane to get nostalgic about clashes with Alf Inge Haaland and Ahead of the Game to come up with an excuse to not put those shelves up.
Spread the word. It's like pyramid selling, but without the hassle and we don't pretend it will make you a penny. Click on the following link if you (or your friends) want to subscribe to this newsletter:
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/article2187217.ece
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